What's Love If You Don't Live It?
by Specks10
Summary: When you truly love someone, sometimes it feels like you're not only in love with them but you're LIVING them. And it may drive you crazy at times, and make you vulnerable because if they're gone, how are you going to breathe? But it's love, and it's worth it. A short story/oneshot on Jay Halstead and Erin Lindsay that has a little touch of AU to it. Please read, and review!


"Where were you?"

"In a meeting; I told you bef-"

"No. Where _were_ you? All my life, I couldn't find a person like you. Likable, quirky, amazing and gentle, _so gentle_ it hurts. I just..."

His adorably confused face makes me stop and think. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I saying all this now? But then, I've already said this much, might as well get on with it. "She's lucky, you know, she gets a brilliant best friend. One who's never going to leave her; who's always going to be there for her."

"Erin, what's going on? Where's all this coming from?"

"I'm sorry, but I have to say this. You know people say how someone's the best thing that's ever happened to them? Well, you're mine, Jay. You still are."

"Erin, you've-"

"I know this is inappropriate and the worst possible timing ever; you're not mine anymore technically, and I know that's my fault, but _good God_ , I miss you. Every second of every day. And most of the times I think I won't make it because you're my whole reason of living, of just _being_. But being without you is no good, Jay. It's a sad excuse for a life and, oh crap! I made a big mistake. I let you go, without a freaking reason and a thank you."

While I pause to take a deep breath, he comes closer, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. He looks into my eyes- Goodness, his baby blues are going to be the death of me- and says, " I don't understand, Er." My breath hitches at the sound of the last word. Please, for the sake of everything that is holy, not _that_ name. Not that beautiful, gentle tone. He knows the effect it has on me when he calls me that; no one else is allowed to call me that. This is bad; I had no idea he'd still call me Er. "Please don't, Jay, don't call me that." I can easily see the hurt in his eyes at that but what can I do? Tell him I want him back? Tell him that I want to hear him call me Er for the rest of my life? No. I've already ruined his life enough, I don't want to ruin it anymore. "When your mom told me about the engagement, I went home and ate bad Chinese takeaway. Pathetic, right? Anyways, it's just that I realized I don't care about myself if you aren't there and you being there is just impossible because it hurts too damn much, and it's not fair to you."

The tears that I've tried to keep at bay since I broke him start flowing because now that I'm facing him, it's all so real. Jay's not mine anymore. "I realized that you are my home, my life, and I love you. I will love you till the day I die because not loving you is not an option. Because **loving you** , Jay, is as natural to me as breathing. _You_ are life itself; everyday that I was with you, I was _**living**_ you. You made me better, Jay, and God, I can't say your name enough! I love it that much. **You are an amazing man**. Allie is very lucky. She's got everything becasuse she's got you. She's going to be so happy; you're going to be happy." I see his ever present frown deepen even more, and I notice that the eyes that dive into my soul every time they look into mine are shining with tears. "I'm sorry for doing this now, I'm so _very_ sorry. But I want to thank you; for standing by me all this time, for loving me, completing me and making me who I am. Just remember that it was a stupid mistake and I still love you. My heart will forever be yours, even when yours isn't mine. Thank you, for being you. Most of all, _**thank you**_ _**for being mine**_ , Jay. I can't believe I'm being the stereotypical envious ex-"

"You're much more than just another ex, _**Er**_ , and no, I'm not going to stop calling you that 'cause as much as you love _my_ name, I love Er."

My eyes widen in shock and my breath catches because that sounded a lot like it had a deeper, dual meaning. He takes three steps, cornering me in the room and his each step punctuates his next three words.

" _ **I**_. _**Love**_. _**Er**_."

I gasp. "J-" He shushes me with a finger on my lips and with a tone that brooks no more arguments, says, "You've spoken more than you probably should've, and I listened. Now it's my turn to talk and yours to listen." I nod my head because with his finger on my lips, I couldn't think of anything to say even if I tried to.

"When did you talk to my mother?"

"A month ago? Why, what's that got to do..." I trail off 'cause he glares at me and if looks could kill, I'd be dead right now.

"The engagement is old news now. The more new thing is the engagement ending."

My eyes are close to bulging out when I hear that and my heart's picking up speed and my mouth is wide open now. I feel his fingers grab my jaw and close my mouth. Even though I try, I can't get a word out.

He starts again, "I don't have much to say, Erin, except for the fact that I couldn't get you off of my mind. That you made me complete, too. And that I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. So I apologized to Allie and we broke up. She understood because it's not everyday that you find someone you think is worth it all. Someone who's challenging and difficult and brilliantly annoying but that's why you love them. Stop selling yourself short, Er, because I've been living you, too. And I can't stop now. I can still fix you, and I promise you that if I can't, I will love you as you are: broken. I already do." His hands come up to wipe away my tears, and I'm smiling now. But I still try to give him an out. "Jay, I _**love**_ you, but I will wreck you, too and I can't take that. I'm not safe."

"Good thing I don't like to play it safe." He says with a smirk. "You're all I've ever wanted, Er. Haven't you noticed that all this time? My heart never belonged to anyone else; it has always been yours."

I hug him and hold on to him tight, with all that I've got 'cause I don't intend to let him go now. And he crushes me right back to his chest. His warmth takes over me, and the tears come again. (Who am I kidding? They never really stopped.) I don't let go of him but loosen up enough to look at his precious face and say one last thing. "I just regret being such a big mess when we first met because it made me keep away from you. It made me lose a lot of time with you."

"We might not have ended up in love if you didn't run from me, trust me," he says. I smile at him and he gives me a gentle, lingering kiss on the forehead, takes my hand and walks me out to the land of the living towards a new beginning, and I can't help but think how grateful I am for him.

* * *

Author's Note: Hello, people! I hope you're all doing great! Uh, this is my first ever fanfiction on any kind of forum, and I really hope you all like it. This just came to me out of the blue one night, and I decided to make it public after a lot of pep talk to myself and a boatload of stupid courage. Uh, I'd like you all to give my story a try and I'd love to see your feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome! So, please, read and review. =)

Thank you,  
R.


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